HOW TO BOUNCE BACK AFTER YOUR DIVORCE

Imagine this: Your divorce is now final. Congratulations (or condolences, depending on your state of mind). Like a wedding or graduation, a divorce is a life milestone. Things will never be the same. But they might be much better! In the spirit of producing the latter outcome, today’s column features advice from life coach Anita K on how to prepare for life’s next stage.

But first a little info on Orange County-based Anita K. She has been featured by Good Day LA, Better Homes & Gardens, Fox 11 Los Angeles, Huffpost, and Axios. Trained and certified by Tony Robbins’ Robbins-Madanes program, she’s counseled dozens of clients on how to grow and thrive post-divorce. The following Q&A is an excerpt from my interview with her in my forthcoming book, The Ultimate Guide to Your California Divorce (publishing in 2023).

Q: How is a person supposed to deal with all the negativity they’re feeling?

A: This is when “self-care” comes in. You must make your mental and emotional health a priority. This can mean seeking counseling from therapist or a priest. Going to a yoga retreat. Working with a nutritionist. Making sure you eat right, get enough sleep, and exercise. Prioritizing self-care if absolutely key because it’s one of the few things you have control over, and maintaining your physical, mental and emotional health will help ease the pain you are experiencing. (And it’s a lot better for you than junk food, alcohol, and/or smoking.)

Q: As painful as divorce is, can it also be an opportunity?

A: Any trauma that shatters complacency is an opportunity for self-reevaluation. You know how the COVID lockdowns caused millions of people to reassess what they wanted to do with their lives? In just a few months, many, many people changed jobs, switched careers, and embarked on whole new lifepaths. Divorce offers the same challenges and opportunities. Your old life has been stripped away and now you can rebuild it in a way that may be better, more fulfilling.

Q: How long does recovering from a divorce usually take?

A: Expect it to take at least a year. For me, personally, it was two years. But trust the process. It will happen. It may not seem that way when you’re in the middle of it but, trust me. You will get through it.

Q: Is there anything that will speed up the recovery process?

A: Forgiveness can help remove the toxic atmosphere you’re living in. Now, you might say, how can I forgive my ex? He/she cheated on me 12 times. That’s unforgiveable. And, from a moral perspective, that may be true. But holding that resentment isn’t going to help you move on. Once you can stop making everything about you—when you come to understand that cheating was the result of a weakness and failure in your spouse’s character— then you can find the strength to move on.

Q: Do you have any final recommendations for divorce recovery?

A: I’m a big fan of vision boards. Every year, I put together a board filled with pictures that help me visualize the experiences I hope to have and the life I wish to live in the year ahead. It’s a tool I use to focus my mind on the goals I desire to achieve. (And this can include entering new relationships and finding a new love.) A divorce may be the end of a marriage, but it’s not the end of your story. You have the whole rest of your life to live. Learn from your experience and use those lessons to move toward the future you want.